Coming to Grips with Motherhood

Motherhood.  What does that even mean?

Right now, to me, it means: I’m a mother.  Put a hood over my head.

After years of travel, doing whatever I wanted with my time and my money and my body, I became a mother because my friend Tiffany told me I had to.

“Your ovaries are getting dusty.  It’s now or never,” she said.

And I had the perfect resume for motherhood: video store manager . . . copywriter . . . track coach . . .   

So basically, it’s been a disaster. 

Motherhood: When you rent your uterus to someone without checking their credit score.

Labor and delivery seemed exciting.  Suspenseful.  Like a horror movie. Horrifying, but fun because you know it will turn out okay.  Maybe.

But at the hospital, major abdominal surgery seemed more enjoyable.  My doctor said, “I’ve never had a patient go from wanting a natural birth to a c-section so quickly.”

And so, I experienced the reverse of the classic “my doctor didn’t respect my birth plan” story. 

“But what about your birth plan?” he said.

“Where is my c-section!!!” I said.

He said, “Fine!  Have it your way!”

Motherhood: When your health insurance bends over backwards to pay for an elective weight reduction surgery.   

I quit my job because I’d waited my whole life to be a mother, and I wasn’t gunna miss one second.  But then, home, alone, incapacitated by lack of sleep, lack of schedule, lack of any reason to wear pants, with a similarly incapacitated baby who also had no reason to wear pants – a baby I had made with my own body – I thought, is this motherhood?

Motherhood: When you used to be a woman, but a sexually transmitted condition turned you into an upright milk cow.

When we moved to Alexandria, Virginia, my son was 11 months old.  This move became symbolic of my new identity.  I could redefine myself in this new place.  No one in Alexandria had ever met, Polly, middle-school teacher.  I would be, Polly, Mother.

But then I found myself not-so-subtly working into conversations how I used to someone.  I used to teach college.  I used to wear make-up.

See, it’ll take 20 years to raise my two sons.  That 11 month old is now a three-year-old savant who enjoys jazz concerts and kalamata olives.  And now he has a nine-month-old brother who wears 2T, has eight teeth, and is currently on the waiting list for Xavier’s School for mutants.  His super power?  A sonic scream.

Motherhood: When you take a 20-year sabbatical from reading without being interrupted and taking showers before 4:00PM.

And during this 20 year sabbatical from my own life, I’m hoping.  Hoping I can get off the couch to sweep up the cheerios.  Again.  And again.  And again.

Hoping, above all, that my sons know I love them.

Motherhood: When you love imperfectly, all day long, all night long.  And you hope, all day long, all night long, that your sons won’t impregnate anyone until they can, at the very least, fold their own laundry. 

At the show, my reading also included Coming to Grips with Baby Neptune and Coming to Grips with Getting Bucked Off.  Thank you all for your amazing support!

Coming to Grips with Listen to Your Mother

I bought a new baggy shirt to cover . . . well if I told you what it's covering, that would ruin it.

But now that I think about it, I must tell the truth.

I have a gut.  There it is.

If you come to Listen to Your Mother tomorrow, you'll get to hear me speak. Which is fine.

I feel bad for you because you'll miss the best part of me.

My gut.  Covered by a baggy shirt.  Sorry.  But some things are left best to the imagination.

Now, go to, and Listen to Your Mother.  Unless she is telling you to wear nylons.

Coming to Grips with Data Recovery

My computer just attended it's first 12-step meeting.  My husband and I did an intervention.  iMac didn't want to go, but what can you do when the people you love say, "You have a problem."

We knew something was wrong when 6,000 photos went missing.  My sons' baby pictures - missing.  We looked everywhere.  Who would take them?  Where did they go?  Only someone with a serious problem would turn to baby pictures in a weak moment.

The Data Recovery staff has been amazing.  After four days in rehab, iMac is home and we're beginning to sort through all the lies and dig out one photo at a time from the thousands and thousands of uncovered files.  It's not pretty.  But when one has a problem, it's best to face it head on.

We love you, iMac.  We'll nurse you through this.  But if you ever, ever, lose our babies' photos again, it's tough love, pal.  You better watch your step.

Coming to Grips with Satiation Therapy

After sending a family-wide email describing a diet that literally lost him five pounds, Grandpa asked my husband (a patent attorney) to “please use all of your legal skills to secure a copyright on the following diet plan that I have discovered.”

This plan consisted of the following things:

1. “Breakfast of steel cut oats and fruit as recommended by Polly Scott.”

2. “Glazed donut covered with chocolate.”

3. “Later my wife went out and could not protest my indulgence thereof, so I had a small saucer with Fritos covered with [melted] cheese . . . and a Dr. Pepper.”

4. “A delicious salad with tomatoes, green stuff, avocadoes, whole wheat crackers.”

5. “To satisfy my innate and healthy appetite, a large brownie with vanilla ice cream.” 

My husband hit reply all:

"Great diet plan . . . unfortunately you can't get a patent because Polly already invented it.  She’s even named it.  You have just experienced what Polly calls Satiation Therapy, or the Eat Whatever You Want diet.

"Since I’m married to Polly, I have a conflict of interest. So, sorry, I can't represent you, Grandpa.

"In fact, on Polly's worst/best day of Satiation Therapy, she was 8 ½ months pregnant with Ford.  We went to Katz Deli in NY.  She and I shared an open face reuben the size of a regulation football.  Then we (she) waddled up Broadway to Beard Papa's Cream Puffs. We inhaled as many cream puffs as we could.

"Disoriented from pastrami and puffs, we ended up on the wrong Subway platform.  After I rolled Polly out and back down into the Subway, our passes wouldn’t work – apparently you can’t use a Subway pass more than once within ten minutes. 

"I said, “Every man for himself!!” and jumped the turnstile.

"I looked back at my beautiful wife.  She stood blinking, eyes wide.  Then my sweetheart got down on her hands and knees, yes, in the New York Subway, and crawled through.  Her belly scraping the ground.   It was a proud moment.

"That night Polly suffered heartburn indistinguishable from the jaws of hell.   She

woke me up and said, “I’m going to die.  Just know that I love you, and I’ll see you on the other side.”  But miraculously, she survived. 

"Back to the diet:  Polly will never eat a reuben or a cream puff again.

"So, Grandpa, next time, eat the donuts, fritos and Dr. Pepper in the same sitting.  With a little more effort, you too will realize the benefits of Satiation Therapy.

"Jake

"Disclaimer: This communication shall not or nor shall ever be construed as legal advice. In fact, I would not take this advice. Furthermore, Polly generally does not support taking my advice. Therefore, to take this advice or any other advice I render may constitute a judgment error on your part."

Coming to Grips with Harsh Realities

Stopped at a stop light near an in-patient long-term care hospital, Ove glared as nurses carefully abstracted a patient, tubes and all, from an ambulance.

Sensing a teaching moment . . . why?  Why do I always take the bait?

Sensing a teaching moment, I said, “Ove, did you know that sometimes people get so hurt they can’t breath.”

He looked at the patient.

“Sometimes, they get so hurt, they can’t walk or talk or eat food.”

I let this sink in.

"Sometimes, they get so hurt, they lose their legs or arms."

I let this sink it.

And then Ove spoke.  “Mom, sometimes they get so hurt they even lose their eyelashes!!”

“Yes, that happens,” I said.

“And then they go to the dentist. He gives them a new eyelash.”

He let this sink in.

It's taking awhile.

Coming to Grips with Ford's Favorite Food

Ford is exactly 10 months old and weighs exactly 26 pounds.  He wears 2T.  He doesn’t crawl or walk.  He rolls.  He rolls with grace.

For a few weeks, I’ve noticed a strange patch in our carpet.  The carpet is poking up on the edge between our living room and kitchen tile.  I push it down.  I walk by later, it’s poking up again – only more, so the subfloor is showing.  I push it down. Repeat.

Well, yesterday, I discovered the cause.  

Ford.  

Ford eats our carpet.  

He rolls over, sits up and feasts on the carpet strands.  Now that I know what to look for, I can see the strands in his diapers.

Ove was obsessed with long skinny things – spatulas, sticks, broom handles.

Ford is obsessed with paper.  If he can get ahold of paper,  it disappears before my fingers can spelunk into his cavernous cheeks. Until this, my first line of defense was a keen eye on the paper situation.  

Now, I have to baby proof the carpet.  Every single strand.  I’m not looking forward to it.

Coming to Grips with The Neighborhood Newsletter

New Year, new house, new neighborhood.  This is what happens when the neighborhood newsletter lady asks if you'd rather be interviewed or write your own spotlight:

We moved from a tiny two bedroom apartment in Washington D.C.  We are excited to bring in the groceries in one phase – rather than four.  Big city life had its advantages, like frequent power outages.  After all the fun we could stand, we decided to return to our homeland:  Jake is from Holladay, graduate of Olympus High School.  Polly is from Bountiful, graduate of O’ Bountiful, we’re proud of her. 

Polly graduated from Ricks and Weber, and then taught a year in Davis District before serving a mission at the Arizona Temple Visitor’s Center.  Later, she received her M.Ed. from Weber and continued to teach and coach at Millcreek Jr.  In 2008, she met Jake online and promptly quit teaching to become a trophy wife.  Polly now eats chocolates and writes comedy.

Jake went on a mission to Ireland, and then received a mechanical engineering degree from The U of U. After working as a medical device engineer, he went to law school at Gonzaga University.  Putting his law degree to work, he practiced as a patent attorney and then joined the US Patent Office.

A turning point in our life was when Jake decided to transfer all the hair from his head to his face.  “What happened to you!?!” Polly said.

“Have you ever noticed that you can find a hat for your head, but not for your face?” said Jake.

Although Jake and Polly both love outdoor sports: cycling, hiking, etc., they haven’t figured out how to get out of the house since having kids.  If Polly could do anything sporty, it would be yoga.  Jake is currently day dreaming about swimming laps.  Someday. 

For now, buying groceries is a fine recreational activity.

As for our goals, we are currently working on several important objectives:  sleep, fold the laundry, eat a vegetable, maybe go on a family walk, maybe not. Jake would like to get his work done.  Polly hopes to wear make-up on weekdays.

And now for the other two Scotts.  Here is the uncut version of their exclusive interview:

[Ove (3 years), what do you like to do?]

"Read stories and play with Ford.  Eat eggs." 

[What’s your favorite toy?] 

"Legos." 

[What are you good at?]

"Collecting things" - by which he means hoarding pieces of cardboard. 

[What’s your favorite treat? Hopefully people will read this and bring you some – say chocolate.]

"Chocolate." 

[Anything else you want to say?] 

"My species is the T-Rex. I love my favorite actor: Arnod Shortsenadder."

[And you, Ford (7 months), what do you have to say for yourself?]

"My favorite treat is milk.  My favorite activity is to drink milk.  That is all.  Oh, and I like milk.  Can I eat now?"

Coming to Grips with Christmas Music

Now this is what I call the true spirit of Christmas music . . .

"Since it's Christmas, let's be glad.  Even if your life's been bad there are presents to be had: a promotion for your dad.  Don't be angry don't be mad.


"Sing a carol to your mom
.  Because she knows what's going on.
And she knows if you've been bad or good."





-Sufjan Stevens, It's Christmas. Let's be Glad.

Coming to Grips with My 3-Year-Old Son's Top Ten Quotes

10. Dad works at the Patent Office. I work at home.

9.  Mommy starts with P.  Daddy starts with J.

8.  I pooed a carrot poo!

7.  Dad, thanks for working so hard.

6.  I play legos.  You take a nap.

5.  I love that.  I do that. [While watching water polo.]

4. Crunchy, Crunchy, Crunch. [Instead of coochie, coochie, coo.]

3. I make mistakes, but I be better.

2. Mom, I worry about myself sometimes.

1. Mom, you beautiful.  I love you.

I love you too.  I love you too.

Coming to Grips with The Kirkland Signature Mercedes-Benz

My husband received a promotional email today from Mercedes-Benz because he’s in tight with those fastidious German auto engineers.

And apparently, those Germans love their sauerkraut in 30lb drums.

The Subject Line: Mercedes-Benz of Alexandria is Costco Approved

Jake almost bolted out the door. The Kirkland Signature Mercedes-Benz trumps the minuscule dealership Mercedes with a whopping 14 passenger capacity and 831 horse power.  And since we have an Executive Membership, we’ll get 2% back! 

We don’t mind that the swanky G55 AMG badge comes with a little Kirkland Signature Edition below it.  And we can’t wait to use it for transporting relatives to family reunions or congregational chums to church events.

The only draw back is that we just bought a new stand-alone 2045 square foot freezer from Costco to fit our stockpiles of edible Kirkland Signature products, and we have no room in our garage for the non-edible ones.

However, since we have to use the Costco Home Equity Refinance Get-Into-Costco-Sized-Debt Service I read about in Costco Connection last month to purchase the car, we might as well just add on a Kirkland Signature Collapsible Temperature Regulated Home Storage Room.  Then I can really stock up on Brookside Dark Chocolate Açai with Blueberry.  It's a Kirkland Signature Costco Sized Win-Win!!